I already don't sleep well. I never have. So, feeding the Cub in the middle of the night just compounds that. This morning I finally fell, very suddenly, into a deep, dream-filled sleep about 20 minutes before I had to get up to feed the girls. My mom brain woke me up before my alarm went off with a panic of, "am I late?!" even though I knew I had an alarm set. Ahhh... cortisol.
Waking up like that is always interesting. I fumble into the kitchen and, on auto-pilot, manage to serve cereal and milk, the whole time occupied more in thinking that I won't be able to than in thinking about what I'm doing. It's like the normal me is trapped in a fog in the back of my head saying, "today is definitely the day I forget to put the milk away. I just know it." while my body is somehow remembering that milk goes back in the fridge after the cap goes back on.
On mornings like this, I set breakfast out on the table and inform the girls that I've had a bad start, so when they're done eating they should go to their play room. I'll be back in an hour. Then I go back to bed. I have to admit, it makes me feel like a bad parent and a bad homeschooler. On days like today, I have to remind myself why I homeschool, so I can get back on track.
I know my kids better than anyone. I was reminded of this when I was giving their dad a run-down of what's new with them yesterday so he would be prepared for his upcoming visit. I know how they learn and what they like and what they can do. I know how much they eat and when they start to get grumpy. I always know when there's something difficult going on at home, and I know how to deal with it and still manage to teach them, because I was there when it happened. Which leads me into...
I'm not counting on anyone else to do their job so I can do mine. They don't underperform for a week before I notice the trend and talk to their parents. I am their parent, so I notice underperformance right away and take note of it so I can try to determine where it's coming from.
I am their advocate and I'm right here, where they can access me whenever they want. I'm not their only advocate. It's just nice to know that they have one, always.
I will help them get involved in things that interest them. I will defend them when they're right and I will help them understand when they're wrong. And, while this is true of most parents, I get to do it even between the hours of 8 and 3 on week days.
Twins are complicated. I don't want my twins being compared to each other. I don't want one to end up walking in the shadow of the other. I have a suspicion about how that would turn out if they were in public school, but I won't put it on the internet. I'll just say this: One of my twins is more out-going than the other, across the board. They're both smart and capable, but one loves to impress me with new things she learned and ideas she has, while the other learns whatever I have to offer... but prefers to go outside and play.
As a result, they'll probably have different interests, different plans and different friends. That's fine. I just don't want them have to contend with anyone's expectations for them to be more like each other when it comes to their education.
Real life is waiting. When they're ready to move out and be on their own, I want them to be ready for it. I want them to see and know what it takes to keep a home going. They should appreciate a career that keeps food in the fridge, and still understand that someone has to do the laundry and dishes and cook and sweep and put wayward things away. After all, if no one was continually putting the mittens back where they belong, I guarantee no one would ever see them again.
Of course, one person can both have a career and maintain a home. But the point is that both jobs are valuable. If any one (or two or three or all) of my kids should choose to be a homemaker, or to take on both roles, they should certainly have been trained in occupation. Admittedly, I'm still learning new things, like to microwave my sponges to kill the bacteria so they don't smell (thanks Julie) and that fabric softener helps get the tangles out of plastic doll hair (I still haven't tried that one. I think mom told me about it). Some day, I'm going to be an old lady/house keeping ninja.
And this last one is pretty selfish:
I can take them on vacation whenever I want. We can go to the zoo on a week day. We can stay up late on a Sunday. We can go visit my sister in Texas in the Winter just to get away from the snow if we want to. I never have to arrange it with anyone's teachers or ask the kids to pick up their homework in advance. And they never have to do homework on vacation. Next Friday, their dad is coming to pick them up for about a week. He can take them to see his grandparents in another city and that's just fine. We are about as free as we could possibly be.These probably aren't all of my reasons. But these are the ones that have the most value for me.
On days like this, I feel pretty awful in the morning. I feel awful about leaving them to entertain themselves for an hour... but they probably need that time as much as I do. And, besides, after they finished lunch, we went outside and spent hours playing guitar, blowing bubbles, playing with the cub and the critters, and taking pictures of bees, flowers, the dogs and bubbles.
I think it's just easier to feel guilty for going back to bed than it is to remember what a small percentage of my time that was... and how much more of it I spend enjoying life and my family.
No comments:
Post a Comment