Sometimes, I Hate Being a Mom

When I was pregnant with the twins, I frequented a mom forum. I was scared. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know any other reasonable people in my generation to talk to about what I was going through. I felt like I belonged. These people didn't even judge me for being 19 or unmarried. It felt like a miracle. I trusted these women.

After I had the twins, I continued to mingle in those forums. circumstances forced me to move to a rural town in Kansas to live with my mom and I was bored and lonely. I still didn't have mommy friends. I didn't really have friends at all because I could hardly leave the house. I trusted these women.

Then, one day, I wanted to complain. I don't remember what my gripe was about, specifically. Since I had two, infant, premature, colicky daughters I had to share a room with and I was single, broke, and living in rural Kansas, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

The responses I got just made things worse. People I had been talking to and asking for advice for a year or more were arguing with me and each other. A few were defending my right, as a mom, to complain. Several were chastising me for ever speaking out against the joys of motherhood because there are women out there who would give anything just to be able to have a baby and it's not fair of me to complain since I'm so lucky.

It's like saying there are people out there who are jobless and would love to be able to work, so I shouldn't ever complain about the harsh and demanding realities of my minimum wage, no benefits, hyper-demanding work at the funeral home (yes, I used to work at one of those) because I'm so lucky to even have a job. Okay. Yes, I was lucky to have a job. I could have been jobless instead. But if I don't point out the flaws in my job, I feel like I'm leading others to believe that there's nothing wrong with it and it's a sparkly fairy tale. That's not right. I mean, I stepped into it with no information. I don't want that for others. Besides, if I don't complain, it might never improve because no one will know that I'm dissatisfied.

Sometimes I hate being a mom because:

• It ruined my body
• it routinely destroys my internal peace
• it complicates my career path
• it puts a lot of stress on my family and my marriage
• it means I have to own a much bigger (read: more expensive) house
• it means I can't justify living in the city
• it changes the places I can go out to eat
• it means I have to own a huge (gas greedy) car
• it keeps me up at night
• it makes me judge myself harshly... all... the... time
• it makes me question myself constantly
• it complicates my budget
• it's suddenly much more cost effective to drive for two days than to fly anywhere
• I never have time to study
• I barely even do my makeup anymore

No one of these things seems like much of a problem. Combined, though, they start to hurt. The hardest part is that I am now constantly at war with myself. I can't manage to pursue my dreams and provide theirs. I never feel like I'm doing enough, and no matter how much I do... they don't understand the significance and don't act like they appreciate many of the things I do. So, I'm keeping myself up at night thinking about how to be a better mom and produce better adults from these children I have created... and they are totally unaware and seem to not even care.

And that's all okay. It's okay for them to behave that way. They don't understand. But it's also okay to feel this way, as a parent. Those of us who do (and I'd venture to guess that all of us feel this way sometimes, even if we put forth an image that looks like a Betty Crocker advertisement), shouldn't have to suffer in silence. That's just perpetuating the problem. No one will throw you a life vest if they don't know you're sinking, and if you've just had to fight off the Kracken while struggling to keep it from pulling you under, I expect you to warn anyone who will listen not to swim in the same waters unless they're feeling exceptionally brave. 

I just took my kids to a member's-only pre-grand-reopening event at the Children's Museum of Denver. They made all these amazing renovations. We had a completely fantastic time. I got Cub up from nap today and he asked me about lightning. I told him about static electricity... but he's convinced that thunder is the sound of Power Rangers kicking the lightning so it will go away. I love them and they make me smile and laugh and feel validated in my constant struggles... but they also make me scream into my pillow and self-loath and cry sometimes. This is being a mother. 

It's Okay to Cry

(I wrote this on Wednesday)

I'm pretty sure I failed a math test today. I could give you a lot of reasons why. I feel like I need the reasons because I did so well on all of the previous math tests this semester. I don't think the content was more difficult. I think I'm just wearing myself out.

I'm not getting quality sleep lately. My nose gets stuffy when I lie down... but only in the winter I guess. So I'm tossing and turning and waking up and stress dreaming. Plus, I started (or tried to start) this gym routine that has me getting up at 5:30 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Needless to say, it has been very sporadic. It seems like my gym buddy or I have some reason we can't at least once a week. Still, we try.

My math teacher put together a review for us and we worked through some of it in class, together, on Monday... but I was too tired to understand what she was explaining. In fact, when I was driving to campus that morning, I had repeated feelings of being in a dream instead of actually driving. Apparently, that's called depersonalization and is a form of anxiety attack. Sleep loss increases anxiety, my good friends. Fun times.

So, I studied. I put it all on myself. "I must have just forgotten the stuff we went over several weeks ago." It was logarithms and completing the square. It's not simple stuff, and it had been a while since we talked about it. Review would surely help.

Last night, while the girls were with Daddy, I sat with Papa and reviewed the stuff I couldn't remember. But what he was explaining to me often didn't make sense and I'd have to ask him to start over. This stuff I learned several weeks ago was not coming back to me. It was like I was learning it for the first time... again. I cried a bit and got a little angry... as I am known to do when I come up against a wall I don't know how to climb.

We didn't have nearly enough time to go over everything I was struggling with, but we worked on every problem in the review, one by one, until I understood how and why we did each step... until we had to give up and go to bed.

Then, this morning, I skipped the gym so I could hopefully sleep a little more... but I had tossed and turned all night and spent hours lying awake, panicking about all of the school-related obligations creeping up on me. So, I left the house a little earlier than usual, planning to get to class earlier so I could jog my memory by studying the problems we had done last night.

When I opened my notebook and looked at the study guide... none of it made sense... again.

Then came the test. There were whole problems I couldn't even begin to work. There were problems for which I could find a solution using my calculator, but couldn't show my work because I didn't know the first thing about how to manually solve them. I wrote a note to my teacher on the scratch paper she provided. I explained how embarrassed I was by this test and that I studied but I couldn't understand or retain a lot of it for some reason.

After the test, I cried. I called Papa. I vented about how difficult it is to study, how tired I am, that I'm doubting my motivation and resolve to even get this degree. Why am I doing this?! Why am I making myself so miserable and stretching myself so thin? I want to show my kids that college and a career are viable options... I don't want to teach them that torture is how you get there.

Papa says I don't have to go full-time. I don't have to graduate in as few semesters as possible. But I don't want this crap to be a part of my life for any longer than it absolutely has to be. It was just one test, but it broke me.

Having calmed down, I know I am more than a sum of my failures. It's okay to fail sometimes. I've obviously over-extended myself. I was tired, and I have been for weeks. I am over-burdened and have been for a while now. I'm okay. I just need a break. Good thing Thanksgiving vacation is coming.

Getting Old But Not Being Old

How many other wives out there get to (or have to, depending on how you look at it) plan most of the date nights? I'm not a glass princess in a tower. I have things I want and I make them happen. I take Papa along for the fun and he usually has a good time. We call it a date because, if we didn't, we wouldn't be dating almost at all.

Tuesday, I took him to the theater to see Tribes. My ASL instructor mentioned that it was playing at the DCPA in class one day. I looked it up and decided I wanted to see it. I looked at ticket prices and seat availability and asked Papa if he wanted to go. We went.

The room was overwhelmingly full of grey hair. Why is that? I love theatre. I'm 28. Is there something wrong with that? I think people my age avoid anything with a stage. Papa and I have been to the symphony/orchestra twice in the last several months. Admittedly, there were plenty of young people at the Star Wars orchestra performance, but we might have been the only people under 50 at the Berlioz symphony.

Anyway, Tribes was incredible. The theater it was performed in was small enough to be intimate, and our seats were a few rows back and right in the middle. The characters were lively and believable. I'm no theatre critic. I was in a few plays as a kid, but nothing more than high school or community theatre. So, it impresses me when an actors can swear and argue and generally be abrasive, and also be called terrible names by his costars, without letting on that it's a little bit funny. That was especially important because there is a lot of shouting, arguing, name-calling and swearing in this play.

The set was beautiful. The presentation was amazing. The play itself is emotional and intense.

The play started at 6:30 and we had to pick up our tickets just before the show, so we didn't get to eat dinner until after. We didn't get home until about 10:30, at which time I had to cram all of my prep for the next morning in as quickly as possible. Because, earlier that day, I had committed myself to getting up at 5:30.

Let me explain.

I've been a bit stir crazy lately. I don't mean that I'm not getting out of the house enough. I'm out of the house quite a lot. It's my schedule I'm struggling with. I'm lacking spontaneity. I felt this way last fall, too. Fall semester doesn't have any breaks until the very end, right before finals, when we get a week off for Thanksgiving. So, somewhere between midterms and finals, I get tired of the grind.

I skipped a whole day of class because I just didn't want to go. I started thinking about just skipping my exit and driving to the mountains instead of to campus. I started having weird dreams with spontaneous (sometimes inappropriate or dangerous) themes. I decided I needed a change.

When I settled on an idea, I texted a friend I thought might want to join me. I wanted to start working out more. This plan has at least three benefits: 1.) I get to change my schedule 2.) I get to be healthier, which I was having trouble managing otherwise 3.) I get to hang out with someone who doesn't live in my house and who makes me laugh. This, I silently asserted, was going to get me through seasonal affective disorder this year.

We decided we'd meet at the campus gym and work out for an hour in the morning three days a week. I have class at 8 on Mondays and Wednesdays. I get up at 6:30 so I can leave the house by 7 and be on campus sometime between 7:30 and 7:45, depending on traffic. So, now, I get up at 5:30 so I can leave the house by 6 and be on campus at about 6:30... because traffic isn't an issue... because basically no one gets up that early.

It was great. 5:30 was fine. Working out was fun and woke me up for my 8am math class. I get to spend more time with one of my favorite people, and I feel better today that I normally do on school days. In all ways, this was a great plan. In every category, it was either exactly as enjoyable as I imagined or better. And I didn't have to buy a motorcycle or dye my hair to feel like I broke out of my box. Win!

Pumpkins and Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Why don't we get time off for Halloween? Thanksgiving is lame, political, at best based on a myth, and reinforced with lies. Thanksgiving, as a holiday, makes me sad. But I have a week off for Thanksgiving. So, I've learned to appreciate it as a time when I can visit family and not have to worry about school work. I do love visiting family.

But Halloween...

We buy/make costumes, we buy candy and toys. We pick out pumpkins and we carve them. We stuff little, cellophane bags with little toys and treats. We dress up and do makeup and hair. We decorate our yards and spend hours out wandering the neighborhood after dark (or at home, passing out those bags). Yet we don't get time off for this.

This year, it fell on a Saturday. I'd say that sounds like the best possible case.

We picked out our pumpkins at Nick's Garden Center, just like we did last year. We carved them the weekend before Halloween, which was maybe too early. Cub requested a transformer for his jack-o-lantern. It was a pretty huge hassle, but I managed to make something really cool. Then, a squirrel ate it.

We finally made it to Boo at the Zoo this year. We went the day of Halloween, and since that was a Saturday, it was pretty busy. Of course, like most events of this type, it was heavily sponsored by corporations. That didn't really bother the kids, though. They got a couple of pieces of logo-emblazoned garbage, but they also picked up a lot of candy. Interestingly, S was particularly excited about a pack of band-aids she got from a booth set up by in insurance provider. She got a blister on her toe, and used two of her band-aids that same day. Maybe she learned something about preparedness.

M didn't want to wear her costume because, as a zombie, her dress had a huge patch of fake blood... which was a little sticky. So, she skipped the costume for Boo at the Zoo, but wore it over regular clothes for our night-time, neighborhood trick-or-treat run. I think she was excited to be able to avoid the stickiness and the crazy makeup we used for zombie crawl.

This was the first Halloween for which the girls' daddy was in attendance. He dressed as a mad scientist. Papa dressed as grandma wolf (the wolf dressed up as grandma) and I was red riding hood. We had about 45 trick-or-treaters stop by our house. More than last year! Since we had toddlers, we came home a while before other kids were turning in for the night. So, the girls got to hand out treat bags (to their great excitement). I'm pretty sure we were the only house in the neighborhood who put treat bags together instead of just doling out candy from a bowl (or even straight from the bag).

I love Halloween.