Marriage is Like a Tattoo

I just watched people get married in front of millions of people in times square so they could sign the forms later and be "the first couple of 2016". Papa and I have been watching Friends and we just got through the story arch that involves Rachel and Ross drunkenly getting married in Vegas.... and then divorced. In light of all the people getting crazy tonight, I want to talk about marriage and divorce.

I've been married and divorced. I have dated people who wanted to rush into marriage. I've dated people who didn't believe in marriage or, it turns out, monogamy. That's fine. I've seen a lot of polyamorous relationships end in a spectacular conflagration, but I've seen the same from monogamy. Fine. Pick your poison.

Anyway, I'm not the only person I know who has gone through/is going through a divorce. That's really comforting. Misery loves company, right? But, in this case, it's more about not feeling broken. Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Am I always going to be miserable? Is it my fault? How did this happen?

I didn't intend to end up divorced. No one does. I wasn't the sort of person who takes marriage lightly. You know those people who write facebook posts proclaiming that they will never give up on their marriage? They say they'll work everything out like adults because they're not quitters. Yeah. That was me.

Whenever you make proud assumptions like that about yourself, you might be setting yourself up for a lot of pain in the future. If you would never formula feed your babies, you will be destroyed if something prevents you from breastfeeding. If you'd never drop out of school, you'll be devastated if, for some reason, you have to. If you'd never get a divorce... it will eat you up inside if your partner is hurting you and you have to say goodbye.

But marriages are like tattoos, so it's going to be okay.

Tattoos are traditionally permanent and your parents tell you to wait because you don't want to do something you'll regret. But that's because, in their time, it was not as possible to undo.

These days, you can have a tattoo removed. Good thing, too, because people often get tattoos under... less-than-optimum circumstances and soon regret them. You can cover it up with another tattoo, or you can just have it laser removed and never get another one. You will never really be the same, but you don't have to live the rest of your life with a tattoo you hate.

Some people never get tattoos. Some people get lots of tattoos. People might judge you for your decisions about tattoos, but it's none of their business and, if it makes you happy, they can shut their stupid faces.

You can have tattoos that no one knows about. You can have tattoos specifically so people will see them. You can get tattoos because you think other people will think more of you if you have them. You can get tattoos because you want other people to leave you alone. For some people, tattoos are extremely meaningful and have incredible depth. For others, they're just for fun.

Some people get tattoos, are disappointed, but keep them anyway... but you don't have to. That's what's important.

You don't have to stay.

I don't advocate divorce. It's difficult, expensive, damaging... it seems to always hurt someone. Still, no matter how many people you know are saying they would never leave their spouse no matter what he/she did... even if you've told yourself that... you don't have to stay.

I still don't take marriage lightly. I still believe in working it out like adults. I am divorced. It was a painful and complicated decision and process, and it was absolutely the right decision. I am scarred and a part of me is still a little sad. I will never be the same. I am still learning not to kick myself for my past, but it gets better all the time.

If you never want to get divorced and you want to work it out like adults, good for you. If that works for you, I'm glad. That is how it should be. But remember that a marriage involves two people. One person is complicated. Two are doubly so. Marriage is complicated and difficult even when it's healthy. But when it's not... if you've tried to fix it... if it's dangerous... don't put it on yourself to make it right. You can get that tattoo removed.

I Failed

Remember that math test I was pretty sure I failed? I did, in fact, fail. What's weird is, I felt better, not worse, when I saw my grade. In fact, I felt a lot better. I felt relieved. I don't exactly know why, but I think it's something like this:

• I hadn't failed a test in my adult life previous to this, so now I've set a record... and a bar. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to fail. It happens sometimes. I know I've been pretty busy and had a lot of crazy stuff going on in my life lately, so I don't take this one too personally. And, so far, I've only failed this test, which came at a bad time for me and included a lot of difficult stuff and, it turns out, everyone else did surprisingly poorly as well. Which brings me to the next point.

• It was an anomaly. I got A's on my other two tests in that class. I've gotten perfect or near perfect grades on the homework. It wasn't a surprise, because I went into the test knowing that I wasn't really prepared. Still, it was an exception, not part of a trend.

• No one was upset with me. Some people expressed some sympathy (or empathy, since anyone who has ever tried to get a college degree has probably failed a test), but no one was disappointed. That includes my professor. She recognized that this was unusual for me and the rest of the class and is offering us an opportunity to get some extra credit by reworking the problems we missed and turning the test back in on the day of the final.

I will still probably get a B. Like I said, I did really well on the previous two test and all of the homework and I'm not too worried about the final. I just need to study this weekend.

I failed a test and it was okay. It means I'm trying something new and difficult.

So, here's what I learned about parenting, and this is an important topic that a lot of people seem to be talking about lately: It's important to teach your kids that failing is... not only okay, but essential. If you are pushing yourself, trying something new, expanding your boundaries, you are going to fail sometimes. It's important to see that failure for what it is and learn from it. You don't have to feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Besides, there's really nothing to feel bad about since everyone fails sometimes.

I think I expected disappointment. I expected to be disappointed in myself, but I also expected everyone I told to be disappointed. I don't want to disappoint people I care about, so I had an uncomfortable lump of fear. When no one reacted the way I expected, I thought, "Well, of course. I'm not in compulsory school anymore. My failure or success is entirely my own and no one has the power or reason to berated me for my shortfall anymore."

But why does anyone berate anyone for their shortfalls? Why do we breed fear of failure in our kids? They get pressure from every different direction. Their siblings judge them for being less capable in some way or another. Their teachers pressure them by giving them definitive grades and expecting them to learn at the set pace of the classroom (this reminds me of a blog about the pressure of grades I wrote over a year ago). Their peers label them for struggling with a concept. They don't need more pressure to perform... it just becomes more fuel for fear of failure.

I want my kids to fail, because I want them to be trying. I want them to be changing and growing and pushing the limits. I want your kids to do the same. The kids who don't fear failure will be the future innovators who stand on the edge and say, "we can make this jump". Maybe they fall, but they can get back up, armed with new information and try something else. They will be the leaders who change everything because they're not afraid to try.

Ask your kids what they failed at today... and be proud of them. Talk about what they learned and be glad that they tried. Make it a friendly, comfortable topic. Destroy the fear.