Pending Baby

I don't normally blog in the middle of the week, but this is not a homeschooling update, so I thought I would just share it as it becomes available.I seem to be gaining some readership that extends beyond my friends and family, so I suppose I should let you know what they’ve already heard: I’m pregnant.

As of August 14th, I’ve met the 20 week mark, and am halfway to the finish line with baby number 4. I had specifically planned to avoid having more kids... until I met my partner. He doesn’t have any of his own, but he has been instrumental (and amazing) in day-to-day ventures with mine. We found out my sister was pregnant and decided to try for our own, with the thought that close-in-age cousins would be a great idea for the family. Then, right as we were finding out we were pregnant, we found out that his sister-in-law was as well. It’s going to be one crazy winter.

The most satisfying part about this whole experience is a convenient combination of being right, and this finally going the way I always thought it should. My partner has been incredibly supportive and helpful and understanding. I knew him to be a reliable and strong person, but a pessimistic part of me really clung to the idea that he would change as soon as he thought he had me committed. He hasn’t at all. I’ve been sick, or tired or emotional. There have been cravings, cry sessions, and energy crashes at dinner time. He stands by me through it all and doesn’t make me feel guilty for feeling weird.

Baby at 10 weeks

At 10 weeks, I wound up in the ER over some severe abdominal pain. After a thorough ultrasound, we’re still not sure what caused it. What matters is it never came back, and we got a chance to check out the baby and make sure everything was fine. Since then, I’ve had some trouble dealing with my insurance (and my resistance to what I see as unnecessary medical appointments) so I’ve only recently begun having regular check ups. A thorough ultrasound will follow shortly, and I’ll let you know what we find out.

By the way, we decided on the names Ada Danelle (girl) or Elon Tiberius (Boy). First names are linked to the person for whom our baby will be named.

Since I’m coming clean about this, I should let you know a few other dirty details of my life.

Obviously, my partner is not the father of my previous children (the twins and their little sister). They, however, do share a father: My husband. Yes, I’m still married to the guy, despite continued efforts to be otherwise. He and I have been physically separated (living in different states 1,000 or more miles away from each other) for around 20 months, now. I’ve spent this entire time trying to get a divorce, starting, of course, with the most basic, “I’m done and I want a divorce”. But it has been a nasty battle.

I’m not going to air the details of this experience to the entire internet, but I’m sure many of the divorcees out there have at least some idea what this feels like. It has actually been incredibly difficult not to explode to all of my friends on Facebook, on the more difficult days. I have managed to find a few to confide in, but mostly it stays between me and my mom. However, I will say that since I’ve rebooted my own life, I feel free, productive, beautiful, fresh, and desirable in ways I haven’t experienced in years. I’m a whole new person, and I feel big enough to face fears and insecurities I harbored and let grow as his wife.