Staying Positive

For reference if you aren't familiar with practice paper.

This is a difficult one for me. It’s fairly easy to stay positive when explaining things to the kids, but not as simple to stay positive in my head when things aren’t going right. I think that’s okay, as long as you don’t get stuck on that track.

This week, during writing practice, one of my daughters drew an ‘e’. It was very well structured for a five-year-old’s hand writing. It was even the right size. The problem was that it floated on the dotted line on her practice paper, instead of spanning the space between the dotted line and the bottom line.

She panicked. “I messed it up!”, she said. I looked at it and noticed how upset she was. So I pointed out that it was actually a really great ‘e’, and that’s a pretty difficult letter to draw, since it has a round part and straight line all in one. She did a good job. “it just belongs down here”. And, “you know what? It’s not a problem. You have lots of paper, and you have an eraser. You can choose to erase and start over, or leave it there and make a new one. There’s plenty of space.”

Attitude adjusted, she chose to erase the offending letter and try again. And she got it right the second time. Also a significant note: she was noticeably more pleased with that second ‘e’ than she was with getting any other letter right on the first try.

But, earlier that same day, I found myself in a funk during nap time. My five-year-olds don’t want to take naps anymore, and they probably don’t really NEED them anymore (except on days when we’re particularly active). But my two-year-old needs a nap every day. They share a room, and I don’t have enough space to let the five-year-olds stay up where they won’t keep the younger one awake. But their presence in the bedroom, while not sleeping, keeps the two-year-old awake anyway. For the last week, we’ve been having particularly persistent problems, and I can’t seem to devise a solution.

They get multiple timeouts every day as a result of this problem. It’s really the only thing they get timeouts for anymore. After a couple of sessions of that, I get frustrated. So I’ve tried lots of different theories on them; most of which worked for a week or so before they lose power somehow.

Since my whole world is centered around my children (stay-at-home-mom/homeschooler), these things are especially discouraging. So, when they persist for several days, I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to work it out.

Maybe this is just a little biased, since I clearly don’t want to be broken or wrong, but I don’t think there’s anything unusual about that. In fact, I think it is part of what makes me good at what I do. It upsets me to be unable to fix a problem, so I devote a lot of time and thought to finding a solution, and I try a lot of different methods before I give up. But, there will be failures. So, when failure gets me down, I try to remind myself that it is a side effect of caring so much about my kids and my parenting.

I’ve been steeped in the fallout of disappointments this week, more than usual. I have a feeling I’m not the only parent who ever feels this way. So, hopefully sharing how I cope with it might help someone else remember what a wonderful mom or dad they are. I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s okay to feel that way, as long as it’s only temporary.

Kudos To Stay At Homers

I've been a stay at home mom for over five years. That number rolls over to six whole years if you count all the way back to when I had to quit my job halfway through my pregnancy with the twins because my doctor put me on bed rest. Most moms in my position will tell you that this is absolutely not "just not working". It's difficult and time consuming. You can't call in sick, and you rarely get 15 minute breaks, let alone vacation days. You end up more than a little stir crazy if you're not careful. I have, admittedly, tried to quit this job. Twice, actually.

I don't mean I tried to quit being a parent. Instead, I simply tried to go back to work. I got a job at a gas station when my twins were only a few months old. There were many reasons that didn't work out. The twins were premature and colicky and I simply couldn't leave my mom home with them whenever I was working. I also couldn't afford a real babysitter on what I was making at that gas station, and the job was awful anyway. I would have quickly found myself unable to stay up through the night with the babies and then go to work during the day.

More recently, I was employed by the best funeral company in the Denver area. I was referred to as a "family services representative", which is a fancy way of saying I was a receptionist with A LOT of other responsibilities. They barely trained me and I had to learn my job as I went. I worked nights and weekends and made only as much per hour as I was paying a babysitter. I was lucky to find a job that paid even that much, considering I had been an unemployed mother for years.

I thought it would be fine, because my oldest kids (the twins) were 5 and well behaved and intelligent with no known medical problems. Additionally, I had friends who could watch them for free when they were off work, so my babysitting wasn't eating my entire paycheck. 

But I wound up getting fired for being "forgetful". Now, I've never been told that before, at least not without specific reference to being forgetful at a particular moment. I'm convinced I lost that job because I didn't really know what my responsibilities were. But I didn't do much pleading to save my employment because I was miserable there. 

I don't want to be a stay at home mom for the rest of their childhood. I want my kids to see a woman with a career and ambition.They need a role model. Besides, if I'm being honest, being at home with the kids, as the only adult in the house, is pretty mind-numbing. I love teaching them and exploring with them, I hate defusing every fight and correcting every mistake and finding socks covered in dust bunnies under the couch.

If you're a stay at home parent, I'm proud of you. Even if you have a job, if you spend your time at home engaged and interested in your children an taking care of their needs, you're a hero. And if you're a single parent still able to love and care for your child, bravo! It's difficult, and if you can't think of something you really dislike about being a parent, you're in denial. But if you're doing your best, you're doing some good.