From the Depths of Sleep Deprivation

Baby E, who I'm referring to as "Cub" was born almost two weeks ago via planned C-Section, which went phenomenally well. In fact, the staff (a room full of women) made small talk about how much faster and more smoothly this one went than they're used to, and then chatted about unrelated personal stories. My anesthesiologist said, "you know it's going well when they're talking about what they did for the holidays."

Recovery has gone as well as can be expected, I think. I stopped needing to take pain relievers for anything other than headaches about a week after he was born. I've lost 20lbs and am back to ideal weight. Right now, I'm right where I wanted to be before I decided to have a baby. Unfortunately, I will likely continue to lose weight and get back down to pre-pregnancy weight in another week or two even though I'm trying to eat a lot of high-calorie snacks.

Cub is doing well. He was back over his birth weight at only 1 week old. He's a champion eater and I'm able to provide everything he needs. For that, I feel fortunate. So far, he doesn't seem to have any problems, though he just had his first official appointment today, and his genetic screening won't be complete for a bit. As far as that is concerned, they just won't tell us if everything comes back okay, so no news is good news.

The only real trouble is he won't sleep in his own room, yet. This is not a problem I experienced with M. S and C really just didn't sleep much at all, I suppose because they were premature and colicky. Cub is somewhere in between. He can keep up a good fit for hours if you try to put him in his crib, but will sleep just fine if he can cuddle up with me or my partner. Additionally, two of the girls spent all night throwing up for a still undetermined reason the night before last. That translates to very little sleep for me (because my partner can sleep through anything, and I cannot.) which means headaches, accidental naps, and back to using eye cream I haven't needed since M was tiny. But I try to remind myself to think of it this way: He wants me to hold him, now. He won't always want me in his room at all.

I'm remembering, now, how breast feeding means I have very little personal time. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade my personal time for peace of mind any day. I love that I'm able to provide Cub with everything he needs and rest easy (assuming I rest at all) knowing that I'm saving money and time and he's getting the best I can offer. The draw back is waking up in the middle of the night, every night, to feed him because the other option is to have my partner get up and go to the kitchen to warm a bottle of pumped milk so I can get some rest. That might start happening on weekends, though.

Speaking of which, he went back to work today. He took the morning off so he could take Cub to his first check-up, since I'm not supposed to be driving. Tomorrow, he's taking the afternoon off to take me to my first appointment. Then, it's back to the usual schedule. Right now, I'm tired and emotional and, as a result, not so sure I'm going to survive this business.

Sometimes, when Cub is upset and I'm super tired and feeling insecure, I sing this to him: "Hey. You're Okay. You'll be fine. Just breathe." I love this song, and It's as much for me as it is for him.

Ze Frank, an American online performance artist: "I received an email from a woman named Laura, who had recently moved to a new city for a new job. She was overwhelmed with anxiety and asked me to write her a song to help her calm down. I asked her to send me an email describing what it felt like when she was overwhelmed. I asked her to tell me what kinds of thoughts went through her mind when she was anxious. I wrote a sketch of a chorus and quietly asked some people in my audience to record themselves singing along while wearing headphones. I received about thirty recordings. I mixed the tracks together (w/o any pitch correction) to create the chorus. I sent the final song to her in an email before releasing it to the public. She liked it :) Thank you to everyone who participated! Just Breathe."