Giving Thanks

I'm not really invested in this holiday, to be honest. I think it's great to celebrate the Europeans getting along with the natives in 1621, if only we'd have done a better job of that for the rest of our history on this continent.
Modern celebrations, though, are about being thankful, getting your family together, and sharing a meal. I love to cook and bake, but I'm beyond glad I have never had to prepare an entire Thanksgiving meal on my own. My favorite part of this holiday is having an established period of time for which I can reflect on the things I am thankful for. Sometimes, with all of the noise and craziness around here, it's hard to remember those things.

Here is a compilation of the things I chose to reflect on this year for each day of November, right up to Thanksgiving:

November 1 & 2 : I missed day one so we'll start like this: Day 1 and 2: I'm thankful for my twins. Somehow, two wonderful girls fit in there at the same time for 35 weeks and 2 days and were born small but incredibly healthy. They are healthy and happy and clever and beautiful. I'm glad I had them first, so I didn't have any other distractions, and because (for the most part) they're great big sisters. I can't wait to see what they become, and how their bond plays out in their lives.

We have our challenges, and some days they make me furious, but once I have a moment of quiet to collect myself, I always remember how much I love them and how dedicated I am to helping them on their road to being great people. 

Day 3: I am thankful for Maya. She's a handful. She used to be quiet and agreeable to the point that I wondered if she'd ever stand up to her sisters. I'm not sure when it happened, but now she's loud and defiant and ending up with a lot of "sit and calm down" time. I'm pretty sure her ideas and convictions just out-grew her ability to implement them. I love her, and it'll be fun to see how that turns out. :)

Day 4: I'm thankful I'm finally having a boy. I have three awesome girls, I'm excited for a totally new experience. This has been the most difficult 3rd trimester I've experienced and this will probably be the last time I ever want to go through this pregnancy business. So, I'm thrilled to be evening the numbers a bit for David's sake.  

Day 5: I am thankful for David. Up to this point in my life, I think I had expected that all relationships are uncomfortable compromises, and I just needed find someone whose annoying flaws I could learn to accept and compensate for. In the last 15 months, I have learned that relationships are about compromise, but because you want to and it's the right thing to do, not because you need to, just to make the thing work. I love how good he is with the kids and how well we get along. He has shown me what it really means to be loved, respected, and appreciated by a man.

Day 6: I am thankful for my mom. I know I make it seem like I've already thought of almost everything you suggest, but even when I actually have, I still like hearing that you agree with me. And, to be honest, sometimes I haven't... I just act like I have because I want to be as independent as I assume other 25-year-olds are. :P I love you. I promise I don't ever ignore your calls on purpose. I wish we lived closer.

Day 7: I am thankful for my sister. I tried to have other siblings when my dad got remarried, but those kids are weird and broken and didn't make the cut. I have one sister, and she's the only one I want. And she was the only one I needed, growing up. Seriously... sometimes, it was like having a second mom. But that's okay. I was a jerk at times, and I'm sorry. I love you, and I'm glad you cared enough about me to worry about me falling off of the monkey bars and killing myself back then. 

 Day 8: I'm thankful for my friends. I'm a busy person. I have three kids and one on the way, and I don't get out much. Some of you live incredibly far away, anyway. I'm sorry I don't see you often, if at all, but I thank you all for being there for me when I've needed you. I hope you know I'd do the same for you if you needed me. I'm fortunate to have met each one of you.

Day 9: I am thankful for Will. This is my most cathartic post so far. I had to dedicate considerable time to meditating on this one. I am a firm believer in love for all living things, but I can't just leave this at "because he's alive." As many of you already know, Will and I have been separated for quite a while and in the midst of a lengthy divorce process that started with me saying, "I want a divorce" almost two years ago. As you might suspect, he has not made my life easy or enjoyable since then and, at times,  I have been no better.

But if I had never known Will, I wouldn't have any of my girls, I wouldn't have met the Donders family, I wouldn't have gained closure with my dad and step family, and I probably would have avoided an array of trials by fire that taught me invaluable lessons about my integrity, my limits, my weaknesses, and my values. 

The Buddha’s Five Remembrances:
I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s translation

Day 10: Day 10: I'm thankful for children's benadryl. I know this isn't as deep and meaningful as the previous posts, and I'm sorry. But that "cherry-flavored" liquid is the only reason I'm getting any sleep lately. I have sleep problems even when I'm not enormously pregnant, so I'm sure you can imagine. And we don't have any grown-up gel cap benadryl... So "cherry" it is.

Day 11: I am thankful for my health. All things considered, I am a pretty healthy person. It is the nature of the human condition to always want to make things better. I will always believe I should be getting more exercise, eating more fruit, reading more... but when I stop to think about the health (of mind and body) I have by default, I must remember to be thankful. I am fortunate.

Day 12: I am thankful for the new house, and I can't wait to get moved in. The more I think about it, the more I love that house. I'm looking forward to a garden in spring, a yard for the kids to play in, a room for them to keep their things in, a kitchen big enough to keep my baking projects from spilling over onto the dining room table, a home. It seems like every day I come across new things that will improve when we move in there. David is excited to have work space and a place to keep his projects (which he has already started to accumulate, recently). I think we all see the house as a place big enough for all of the living things to have room to be themselves, and still be together.

Day 13: I am thankful for my dogs. Between the mastiff and the border collie/lab, I hate giving them a bath and they consume SO much food. I haven't been able to take them out to potty recently, due to my precarious size, but I will admit that I don't miss cleaning up monster poops with tiny, plastic bags. But it's worth it for the cuddles when I'm not feeling well. And my mastiff, specifically, is my unwavering companion, always interested in what I'm doing and concerned for me when I'm doing things she hates doing (like taking a bath). Even when the kids are wrapped up in their own business, the dogs (and especially the mastiff) are wrapped up in mine, which feels nice. Also, they practically always respond when called for, and do as their told... unlike children.

Day 14: I am thankful that I am not famous. For those of you who didn't hear, Kevin Clash (the incredible puppeteer who controls and voices Elmo) was accused of being a pedophile. The (unnamed) accuser was a 23 year old man who claimed that he had a relationship with Clash that began when he was 17. It became public on Monday, when Kevin came forward with this statement: ""I am a gay man. I have never been ashamed of this or tried to hide it but felt it was a personal and private matter. I had a relationship with the accuser. It was between two consenting adults, and I am deeply saddened that he is trying to characterize it as something other than what it was." and, two days later, the accuser backed down and had his lawyers release a statement to agree with Kevin's. Seriously, you can't even be a puppeteer in peace these days.

I think Kevin Clash is an amazing and highly interesting person. And all I can think to say is, "I'm sorry you ever had to deal with this." and, "no wonder you dumped the guy."

Day 15: I am thankful for the nice people at the DMV. Getting my car title transferred into my name (from Will's) and getting my registration and tags updated and renewed has taken three trips to the DMV. On the one hand, it's incredibly frustrating to have to sit and wait for my number to be called just to find out that I'm missing some form, or that I need the original copy of something Will scanned and emailed to me. But I think these people know that. They've all been incredibly nice and understanding. True, they've been unwavering in their insistence that I follow the ridiculous rules. Still, soft voices and patience go a long way, especially when I have no other option than to drag all three of my small children into their office after driving the only car they all fit in, which has expired plates because of this crazy run-around. Their job has to be difficult. I thank them.

Day 16: I am thankful for my dad. Again, a very cathartic post. Obviously, without him I wouldn't exist. I also looked up to him a lot as a kid and he let me tag along with him while he re-roofed our house, put new siding up, and did yard maintenance. He also built snow men, played race cars, and helped me build a robotic pegasus. I have a good number of individually beautiful memories and I learned a lot from him. 

Now, though, I am thankful he stays out of my life. I'm sure he blames me for walking away and will probably never understand why. I just have to believe that I did the best I could to give him a second chance and know that I could never make him see what was really wrong.

The buddha says we should forgive and love everyone, but according to buddhist teachings, "the freedom of forgiveness often includes a firm boundary and loving distance from those who have harmed us." - Noah Levine, "Against The Stream"

Day 17: I am thankful for nap time. I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last, but it's the only time  I get any silence and time for introspection. Maybe having a yard and a play room will help in the future.

Day 18:  I'm thankful I grew up in a place and time when it was okay to ride my bike across (and even out of) town by myself. When I was little, my sister and I could even walk to the museum a few blocks from my house in St. Joseph, MO without an adult. I've been back to St. Joe as an adult and I'm completely certain I would be terrified to let my kids out in an unfenced yard in that town, now.

Day 19: I'm thankful I live in Colorado. We're pretty middle-of-the-road on a lot of things, including politics and crime ratings. But one great thing to be middle-of-the-road on is weather. I love that we have four distinct seasons (even though winter often stomps all over fall before anyone's ready) and that we get snow, but don't typically get snowed in. There's a lot of outdoor fun available just minutes away from... everywhere, and it's never "too..." anything to enjoy it. The summer is not hot. The winter is cold, but tolerably so. The only problem is I don't ever feel like it's warm enough for long enough to justify swimming in an outdoor pool. But I'm probably spoiled for that by living on Oahu for two years.

Day 20: I'm thankful for whoever donated the blood that saved my life when I was 15. I was in a car wreck and had to have a transfusion. My blood type is O- (thanks, dad), which means I can only receive O- blood, and I have to have a rhogam shot with every pregnancy so my immune system doesn't try to kill the baby. There aren't a lot of us O- people out there. In the US, only about 6.6% of people have it. So I have an immense appreciation for blood donors. But what's great about my blood is I can give it to literally anyone. I plan to start giving blood once Elon doesn't need me to keep it anymore.

Day 21: I'm Thankful for David's amazing family. We had a great time in Saint Lewis because everyone was so hospitable, considerate, and full of smiles. I exhausted myself last week, but it was well worth it. I'm always excited to spend more time with them, and I'm honestly not trying to flatter anyone.

Day 22: I'm Thankful for a simple life. I am currently able to homeschool my kids and I don't have to work for extra income. I get to bake, cook, and keep the house clean. I get to work on being introspective and on improving myself. Most importantly, I get to spend a lot of time with my family. It was difficult for me to adjust to this lifestyle. I liked having a job outside the house and I found it validating. Now I understand that I am extremely fortunate to be in this position and I should enjoy it now, in case circumstances change.