20 Rules For My Unborn Son

Because I have three girls, and a boy on the way. I'm thankful for the fact that he will have a decent man for a father and role model. But here are some things I, his mother, think seem important about being a boy, a man, and happy. In no particular order, and certainly not a complete list:

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.
3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king. Fetch him beers.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
6. Request the late check-out.
7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
8. Don’t get married before you can legally drink. (or too soon thereafter, for that matter.)
9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
10. Don’t fill up on bread.
11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family.
16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
19. Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
20. Don’t show off. Impress.