Marriage is Like a Tattoo

I just watched people get married in front of millions of people in times square so they could sign the forms later and be "the first couple of 2016". Papa and I have been watching Friends and we just got through the story arch that involves Rachel and Ross drunkenly getting married in Vegas.... and then divorced. In light of all the people getting crazy tonight, I want to talk about marriage and divorce.

I've been married and divorced. I have dated people who wanted to rush into marriage. I've dated people who didn't believe in marriage or, it turns out, monogamy. That's fine. I've seen a lot of polyamorous relationships end in a spectacular conflagration, but I've seen the same from monogamy. Fine. Pick your poison.

Anyway, I'm not the only person I know who has gone through/is going through a divorce. That's really comforting. Misery loves company, right? But, in this case, it's more about not feeling broken. Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Am I always going to be miserable? Is it my fault? How did this happen?

I didn't intend to end up divorced. No one does. I wasn't the sort of person who takes marriage lightly. You know those people who write facebook posts proclaiming that they will never give up on their marriage? They say they'll work everything out like adults because they're not quitters. Yeah. That was me.

Whenever you make proud assumptions like that about yourself, you might be setting yourself up for a lot of pain in the future. If you would never formula feed your babies, you will be destroyed if something prevents you from breastfeeding. If you'd never drop out of school, you'll be devastated if, for some reason, you have to. If you'd never get a divorce... it will eat you up inside if your partner is hurting you and you have to say goodbye.

But marriages are like tattoos, so it's going to be okay.

Tattoos are traditionally permanent and your parents tell you to wait because you don't want to do something you'll regret. But that's because, in their time, it was not as possible to undo.

These days, you can have a tattoo removed. Good thing, too, because people often get tattoos under... less-than-optimum circumstances and soon regret them. You can cover it up with another tattoo, or you can just have it laser removed and never get another one. You will never really be the same, but you don't have to live the rest of your life with a tattoo you hate.

Some people never get tattoos. Some people get lots of tattoos. People might judge you for your decisions about tattoos, but it's none of their business and, if it makes you happy, they can shut their stupid faces.

You can have tattoos that no one knows about. You can have tattoos specifically so people will see them. You can get tattoos because you think other people will think more of you if you have them. You can get tattoos because you want other people to leave you alone. For some people, tattoos are extremely meaningful and have incredible depth. For others, they're just for fun.

Some people get tattoos, are disappointed, but keep them anyway... but you don't have to. That's what's important.

You don't have to stay.

I don't advocate divorce. It's difficult, expensive, damaging... it seems to always hurt someone. Still, no matter how many people you know are saying they would never leave their spouse no matter what he/she did... even if you've told yourself that... you don't have to stay.

I still don't take marriage lightly. I still believe in working it out like adults. I am divorced. It was a painful and complicated decision and process, and it was absolutely the right decision. I am scarred and a part of me is still a little sad. I will never be the same. I am still learning not to kick myself for my past, but it gets better all the time.

If you never want to get divorced and you want to work it out like adults, good for you. If that works for you, I'm glad. That is how it should be. But remember that a marriage involves two people. One person is complicated. Two are doubly so. Marriage is complicated and difficult even when it's healthy. But when it's not... if you've tried to fix it... if it's dangerous... don't put it on yourself to make it right. You can get that tattoo removed.