What?

Conflict Resolution. I think these might be buzz words for our entire adult lives. I haven't been an adult for that long, but it doesn't seem like conflict resolution is ever going to stop being a topic of conversation.

Major political decisions are made with conflict resolution in mind. Thus, the way an individual deals with conflict can decide his or her political leanings. Conflict resolution can decide who your friends are and aren't, what activities you participate in, how far you're able to push for personal success, and how happy your entire life is. In my mind, I can't imagine a more significant and consistently useful tool, and it is learned in early childhood. In fact, watch out, because your kids will learn it accidentally (and maybe incorrectly) if you aren't teaching it to them deliberately.

I put the tent up in the back yard for my kids to play. I've done this a few times before, and it's generally fine. For some reason, today, the twins kept running into disagreements. For example: C wanted the windows open so she could see the butterflies in the garden. S wanted them closed, so C pushed S away from the windows. S came stomping toward the house declaring that she hates the tent.

This was a perfect opportunity to first point out that she doesn't hate the tent, she's just angry, then turn her back around and insist that she talk to her sister about what just happened. "Stomping off doesn't solve anything." But it's like pulling teeth, trying to get eight-year-old sister to talk about their disagreements. I feel like this is an incarnation of snake charming. I have to perform some special song in just the right way to get their words to come out... one... sentence... at a time.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Tell your sister what happened.
C: She knows what happened.
Me: That's not the point. You still need to tell her.
C: She was closing the window.
Me: Tell her, not me.
C: You were closing the window.
Me: Now, why was that a problem?
C: Because she knew I was trying to catch butterflies.
Me: Tell her, not me.

You can probably imagine how the rest of it went.

Then, half an hour later, we had another kerfuffle. After prying that whole previous conversation out of both of them, I immediately felt the heavy burden of parenting being thrust upon me with the offended whine as the screen door closed behind C.

I guess S did a cartwheel in the tent, so she kicked C in the stomach because there's not really enough space for that. Instead of telling her what happened, C stormed off. I'd have liked to have thrown my hands in the air, tilted my face toward the ceiling, and exclaimed (to no one in particular), "No one listens to me!" I thought those things. But I said this: "Did you tell her what happened?"

Of course, C replied, "She knows what happened."

At this point, S came in and I set up the conversation so that I was pretending to be C, so C could see why it is important to tell what happened, even if you think the other person knows.

Me: You did a cartwheel in the tent, right?
S: Yeah.
Me: You did a cartwheel in the tent and you kicked me in the stomach.
S: Oh.
Me: Did you know that?
S: I do now.
Me: You did a cartwheel in the tent, so you kicked me in the stomach. Now, I think we shouldn't do cartwheels in the tent anymore.
S: Okay.

Sure, I reiterated the facts more times that I probably needed to, but the basis for the conflict resolution method I'm trying to teach them is this: What? So What? Now What?

What started this? You did a cartwheel in the tent.
So what happened? So, you kicked me in the stomach.
Now what should we do? Now, I think we shouldn't do cartwheels in the tent anymore.

I explained those steps to them and that I know it's hard to have these conversations. However, I think this method is very helpful because you can make a very convincing argument, and usually come to a mutually agreed-upon solution.

What? So what? Now what? is a useful angle for dealing with a number of things. Here is a Forbes article that explains how to use this method to turn data into appropriate actions. These questions also make great tools for reflecting on your work. What did you do? So, what did you learn or accomplish? Now, what direction should you go from here? There are lots of ways to consider these three questions, it would be impractical to try to list them all, but I think if you use the questions and a guide for untangling messy conflict, you'll find that they help, and they're so easy to remember. I hope to help my kids memorize them so they have a safety net for dealing with difficult situations.