He doesn't share

Cub is sick, so we write a blog together

This is a topic that has been on my mind for several weeks, now. Leading up to our family vacation in Montana, I knew this was going to present some awkward situations. Sometimes it makes me feel like my toddler is a jerk or a heathen, or I'm a bad mom. I don't know what to say when the issue arrises, but I can feel a sinking uneasiness almost every time I don't make my kids share.

At seven and f
our, my girls all tend to share organically. I don't force them to, but I have suggested it, "if you wanted to be nice." They can be reasoned with and they understand that they can always play with their own toys when company is gone. Plus, not one of them has ever been an only child. The twins were born first, then M, then cub. So, he has three older siblings to quibble with. Still, toddlers don't always like to share.

The cub is 18 months old and he is learning how to manipulate the world around him. He wants to flip light switches, push buttons, climb things and play music. When he discovers a new thing he can do, he wants to push the limits. Does it always have the same outcome? What if I do it a little differently? I watch him test things every day, including testing us with his demands.

He says "Why-uh" when he wants water and, "Nack" for a snack. After a messy meal he asks for a bath. He knows how to ask for milk, cookies, cheese, or a nap. He can ask to go outside. He can tell me when he has pooped, but usually only if I ask him first. If he doesn't know the word for something he wants, he points, then signs "please" and says "pee".

He wants to know how things work, whether it's a toy or a social puzzle. He want to experience everything and experiment. I don't want to limit his experience by demanding that he share something novel as soon as another toddler shows interest.

It's hard to explain this to every parent who says, "you should share." or "she said please." Even if your child has been very polite (and I sincerely congratulate you on teaching you toddler early manners), I still won't make my children share. I also won't make your child share with mine.

I understand and truly believe in the value of sharing, but not when it is forced. I do not want to teach my children that their desires are less important than those of their peers. No, you don't have to give up that toy just because someone else asked nicely. But I also don't want to teach them that they can have whatever they want just by asking. There are much more resourceful solutions to the problem of wanting something someone else has.

You could trade. You could just wait patiently. You could offer to play with the toy together. And, perhaps most importantly, you could just accept that maybe you won't get to play with it, and that's okay. You can find something else to play with.

I know, I'm going against the grain. Parenting is difficult. You make your choices based on what information is available to you. You make what you consider to be educated decisions and you hope for the best. If my kids were in public school and day care, they would probably be taught to share, and that would also be fine.

So far, I haven't had to worry much about people blatantly judging me when my son doesn't share. I just wanted to get this out there so people who have met/might meet my son will understand. As an added benefit, maybe some strangers will read this and understand that we are not so different. Please don't judge parents too harshly for their well-intentioned parenting decisions just because they didn't conform to yours.