Going Back to School

I'm not really a risk taker. I once was, when I was small. My mom and sister could tell you all about the years when I spent my time flipping myself over the side of my crib or finding new ways to cross the monkey bars and climbing everything. Things happened and consequences started to scare me. Having kids was the final straw. When you've got other people to be accountable for, you hedge your bets... if you make bets at all.

Anyway, my acquired fear of failure made me hesitate (for years) to go to college. Right around the time I turned 21, I started classes for a visual communications degree at some expensive, online, nationally-accredited, not-quite-a-scam-but-close-enough college I won't tell you the name of. There was eventually a class action lawsuit against them.

I chose online school because I had the twins and I thought it would help me achieve my goals without having to leave my kids at home. I had no job and no idea what else to do for child care. What a cop-out, though. How do you take a physics lab class online?!

I dropped out after two of the three years that would have gotten me my bachelors degree. I couldn't stick to it once it really started to feel like a big, fake, waste of my money (even though my GPA was great and I was repeatedly on the president's list). Now, I'm 26 and I finally decided to go back.

It took a lot of support from Papa. The sad thing is, most of the support I needed was someone to tell me it was okay if I failed. How could I go back to school with all of the pressure of failure weighing down on me? What if I don't make a career out of my degree? My biggest stress was that I might drop out without a degree again and only waste everyone's time. Was it worth it to go back to college and leave my kids home if there was a chance I might not finish?

Papa said, "Yes". Education is valuable for education's sake. It's okay if I don't completely follow through. It's okay if I don't start a career. It's good for the kids to see me investing in myself even if I don't turn it into something lucrative. But he believes in me and he thinks I can and will.

Selfie on campus

Yesterday, I went to the campus for the first time and took my placement exams. The night before the test, I told Papa I was nervous and scared and, "should I have studied?" Of course I shouldn't have studied. The whole point of a placement exam is to figure out if I need a refresher in the core classes.

The morning of the test, I forgot to eat breakfast. I left my purse at home and had to come back when I noticed (after I got out of my neighborhood). I nearly ran out of gas on the way to the campus. I had to get off of the highway and fuel up at a truck stop with the worst traffic I've ever seen at a gas station. Then, I couldn't figure out how to get back on the highway, so I had to drive through the city on the surface roads.

When I got to the campus, I accidentally parked at the opposite corner of the campus from the testing office. I walked to the building and got lost inside... had to ask where the testing office was. I got to the testing office and the staff asked if I had made an appointment. No. I had not made an appointment. The website, the email, and the letters they had sent said I didn't need an appointment to take the placement exams. I even called and asked a few days in advance and the staff said I didn't need an appointment.

Guy says, "yeah, but it's finals week..." etc.
I say, "I just called a couple of days ago and was told I didn't need an appointment."
Guy says, "These people behind you have appointments and we're pretty full, aren't we?"
Other guy says, "No."

Long story short, I took my exams... the whole while wondering if I was going to make a scene when I passed out from hunger. It seemed inevitable and only a matter of when: either mid-exam, resulting in an embarrassing falling-out-of-chair scene, or as soon as I got out of the chair.

Then my phone was almost dead and I had no idea how to get home without my GPS. I got almost home on 7% battery power before it officially died. Good thing I know how to get home once I get close enough.

In conclusion: Success. Hilarious and ridiculous, messy (as usual) success.

*Note: I apologize to anyone who read this in the first 12 or so hours after it was posted. I tried to edit it with my 17-month-old son sitting next to me. You can imagine how that goes.