Discipline in Public

One of my friends (I used to hang out with her in high school) brought this topic up on facebook. What do you do when your kid is out of line in public? And, furthermore, what reactions do you get?

My friend has two boys and a girl, all in the wild and crazy, "hide in the clothes racks and throw fits over almost anything" age group. I assume those are things her kids do at the store. Those are things I did, and things my kids do now.

Obviously, Cub doesn't get time outs

Most of the time, I go to Target by myself or with just one of my kids. I wait to go until Papa is home, so I can get some time away from the house and the kids, or opt for some one-on-one time. That's what I prefer to do, but it doesn't always work out. Let's assume that, like me, you're not super privileged. You don't have a nanny, and you can't always leave your kids with your spouse or partner whenever you run out of milk. What would you be willing to do to keep your kid(s) under control while you're at the store?

Seriously, think about this one. A lot of us say we'd just do whatever we do at home... but we don't. Why? I have some theories.

We're embarrassed of how we discipline at home. We think other parents are going to judge us for whatever reaction we have. There are some people out there who will give you an evil look (or even report you to the store manager, apparently) for issuing a spanking. But there's nothing they can do about it. It's your right to choose to discipline your children as you see fit, as long as you're not using excessive force. Spanking is not considered abuse. If that's what works for your kids, do it. Besides, there are plenty of parents who look at me weird for giving my kids a time out in public. I'm sure it's because they don't think it's enough and they think I should have the guts to just smack them.

We're in a hurry to get out of the store. I give my kids time outs. They know that if a time out doesn't solve the problem, a swat is next. Rarely do we get that far. It can be extremely frustrating to sit one of my kids down for a six-minute time out in the middle of what should have been a quick errand. Maybe you're in a hurry to get home in time to make dinner. Maybe stopping to give one of your three or four kids a time out is daunting because it means you have to separate the pack and keep track of a time out and a couple of other wild things. Maybe you just figure the quicker you get of there, the less trouble they're able to get in. I get that. I'm guilty of this one sometimes.

We're too busy to really notice what our kids are doing. That might sound bad, but I don't mean that you aren't paying attention to your kids. What I'm suggesting is that when you call your child back to the cart after they've pulled something off of the shelf, they don't necessarily get the punishment they would have gotten for disobeying at home because you're also tracking how much you're about to spend and where to go to find the next item on the list. There's a lot going on. You saw what your kid did... you know what just happened... it just doesn't occur to you to be as offended as you would have been at home. I'm sure I'm guilty of this one, too.

Here's the one thing I think is almost never the culprit: poor discipline at home. This is not to say that there aren't kids who run wild and have no rules at home. I just don't think they are the rule and we are the exception. Kids who are well behaved at home can be crazy in new and exciting places. I've heard that fluorescent lighting was thought to exacerbate ADHD, but recent research has ruled this out. Considering how kids behave in the grocery store, is anyone surprised that this theory was taken seriously?

Some tips from my experience:

1. If you know you're going to be in a hurry, tell your kids what you expect of them before you enter the store. Give them specific rules and even more specific consequences for breaking them. This really does smooth out the flow.
2. If your child breaks those rules relentlessly just because he knows you're too busy to discipline him, take it one step further next time. Carve out time to take him to the store when you're not in a hurry. You don't even have to buy anything. Just set out the rules and consequences again and wander around the store, strictly enforcing each rule as he breaks them. If you need to, do this multiple times before your next real shopping trip. 
3. Let them feel the heat. Time outs in public work wonders for my girls because it's embarrassing. I've talked to them about it. One of my twins says she knows that everyone can tell she did something wrong when she's on time out and she doesn't like that people she doesn't even know can see that she's in trouble. Time outs in Target are actually even more useful than at home.